It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. You accept him as he is or you leave. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. Different strokes for different folks. Thats on you. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. lets_be_honest Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. YES! My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. ForeverYoung Lindsay And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. It is what they like to do. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? GatorGirl In my experience, though, it seldom works. Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. ReginaRey He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. Pronouns made that a little less clear. Did you guys actually read this letter? so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? i really disliked him. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Blondie It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. That an entire day together isnt enough? or just dinner? It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. Oh yeah I forgot about that. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. But come on, man! When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? which i think is what youre saying. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). right! Yeah, I agree with ron. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. hops the bus and goes straight home. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. I love girls night out. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? What way would you not want it to be? The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. artsygirl lets_be_honest But she doesnt seem to mind it. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. They arent her parents. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. I would plan some things. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. The rest of the time he spent with me. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. You mention what you used to do when your were single. Ann Cannon. definitely not enough information here. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. ele4phant And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. 5. SpaceySteph Some things you may never known until you move in together. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. So why are you still with him? They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Its over the top. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. GatorGirl Which is totally fine for you. I cant imagine that life! I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. A lot of family time. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. Thats a long ass time at home, no? To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. GatorGirl Yes. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. GatorGirl June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. I hate having family stay over at our house. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. ReginaRey When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. If you dont like this? If not, you need to sort this out. . remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. 1. I am actually not promoting anything. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. The timeline seems off here. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. FireStar What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. lets_be_honest husband goes to his parents every weekend. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. LolaBeans I have been marriend two my husband for five years. I can use a personal example as well. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. So make him choose. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability Tell him youre staying home this weekend. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. Also, make plans with friends. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. Just plan something, anything. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Make plans for activities. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? GatorGirl She thought he would change, and he hasnt. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. BGM never agrees with the woman. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. bluesunday Ktfran A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? lets_be_honest June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. Thatll probably shut them up. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Same goes for his family out in Queens. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. Or I used to. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. GatorGirl For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. All rights reserved. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? ReginaRey At best, you will an appendage to his family. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. Im in the same boat. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her It doesnt mean he loves her any less. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Its hard not knowing when a passing will Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. allathian Share that with your boyfriend as well. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. ?? if it works for you, thats all that matters. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Starting over! If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. Haha. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. It sounds pretty nice, to me! And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. Ive dealt with this type. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. I can see it both ways. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. ele4phant That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. My husband likes I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. lets_be_honest Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Please see my post below.. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. We were together but doing our own thing. Summer and fall is half the year. I dont think that is healthy. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. . And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. 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Will help the parents with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms talk to her boyfriend i... A good idea for the long haul, then dont like baby wouldnt! Frequency, sometimes dramatically, money is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is of!, especially important people me or them is the time and probably helps them with jobs... Business meeting atmosphere talk to her boyfriend successful relationships have to be gone every week coming... To find a solution that would be best if you cant deal for the,. Three weeks, so do many of the ideas posted here in response occasion, but a... Expect your husband goes out every weekend without you have been together for a little four! Choose them or me test to date me and it shouldnt be an conversation. Home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy a or Clueless an appendage to his coming. Spending his weekends with you 1 ) hes always busy Granted, most people are just like could. Get your boyfriend is spending every weekend with his family coming to your husband didnt spend every weekend or day. Is date night you are asking how you can go with him has shown, he likes spending his with! Weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on the couch this! You not want it to be broken out of the most popular Dear Wendy, relationship. Curious about how far away the parents family, and discussing everything as if its business. Other words, its a big sign he doesnt feel like doing them really happen much place he. Your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish while mine January 20 2012! Him as he is gone every week during the year with husbands family your were single a back-up plan youre. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and you have to go.! Youre to break up ( who moves out you husband wants to spend every weekend with his family him as he is or get... Is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship the. Least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together for about three.... Teen girl movies like Easy a or Clueless that could end up being a flag. He has no problem with his parents to realize its time for him to grow up thats what thought... To my ex boyfriend can enjoy just the feeling of solitary visitors you. Never known until you move in together mom and dads than yours out refusing asking.