I am also like your ex, although for a slightly different reason: I have a lot of friends who plan things a long ways out, so if I get a last-minute invitation to something, chances are good that theres already something in that time slot and I now have to choose whether or not to skip out on the thing I agreed to go to a month ago. LW, as a general rule (at least in most parts of North America and Europe), I think youll usually be safe with these guidelines: dont just show up at someones house (unless theyve told you they like when people do that) and dont be the one to suggest you go to your friends house (unless youre quite close or theyve told you they like that). Its funny, because my boyfriend is the opposite. Let them know! To ask for the presence or participation of: invite friends to dinner; invite writers to a conference. We had keys, together a year. I have routinely over the last year asked if she were free for me to drop in for a hug when fetching mail (I receive mail in the same building as her office) and thats seemed fine.. I shame-clean in front of people all the time. I already add a fair number of caveats to my speech, my precise meaning often misunderstood. Click here to go to the free training. Do no solicitations signs imply that friends cant knock? But Im also very careful to err on the side of caution with their boundaries, because I know they wont tell me if I violate them; theyll just be angry and pretend not to be. All the needs to happen after that is showing up, right? Many people are eager to know when Santa will come to their house. There was someone who I was expecting at, say, 1 PM, and she didnt turn up until 9, and it scared the crap out of me, because it was after dark andsurprise!SHE DIDNT CALL TO INFORM ME. It appears that the situation has changed, but I dont think theres anything to be gained by retroactively criticizing the LW for something which we cant know the appropriateness or not of at the time. but where will the implications sit if youve moved all of the furniture? Unsolicited doorbell Ill never answer but texting from the viscinity I feel like I can easily refuse, Sorry, not a good time, maybe next time or sure, lets meet at the cafe though, my house is a mess. I am always super nervous that when I say hey, can Boyfriend come along to this big group thing were doing? that people say yes just to avoid social conflict and they all actually are pissed or something. In the LWs case, I agree that your friend is giving very clear please dont drop by unannounced signals. This house is my safe zone. If the guy doesn't seem interested in your suggestion to get together at his place, let it go and move on. Before you ask, think about your personal or business privacy concerns. I never got why it was so important why I had to end my visits to their place at a certain time, but I mostly went along with it. Im in the I love random visitors camp, but Ive also got a very strong case of friends accept me as I am fallacy when it comes to those unexpected visitors intersecting with chores. I cringe looking back on friendships where I was getting soft nos for literally months and cheerfully failing to put them into context (Hmm, maybe this person who is always busy and never calls me back doesnt want to see me! Be cool and become the person that everyone wants to have over. I would only drop by a friends house unannounced or just-announced in extreme circumstances. You could also go to a bar closer to his house and act a little tipsy and call him up saying you are a bit tipsy and dont feel too comfortable driving home in this situation and you can sober up at his house for a little while then go home later. You ask him/her to see each other and . Would you be up for that? What about a SO situation? I didnt know I was invited! We dont know why that is so, but you can read more about that by following this link. My room was never a safe space, my parents would randomly trash it, tearing posters down, tossing the place for evidence of fuck knows what, then throw out all of my stuff. ! like, uhh, at home because I thought the plans were canceled since you never got back to me.. WE DONT KNOW. In the bike example, you could text and say hey, Im picking up my bike from near your house, do you want to go to the park for a bit? or even hey, Im in [neighbourhood] right now getting my bike, do you want to hang out for a bit? (without specifying where). Me: I have a thing in the morning. Im not saying this is rational, but tell that to teenage me, who was so quiet that people did actually forget about her! Don't expect him to have everything you need. Offer him an idea or a suggestion on what to do or what you would like to do at his residence. My best friend lives in a large apartment building downtown in our mid-sized city. Youre not even someone my other half considers a friend, just someone who knows him. A little flirting goes a long way. But as a baseline, I would never assume its okay to interrupt you for social reasons during the time when you are engaged in meeting your professional responsibilities to your employer.. I have mild recurring plantar fascitis, so standing can get uncomfortable. Re: ADHD Girl (also sorry nesting fail) Its much harder to say no gently if you just want a quiet afternoon alone and someone is a block from your house wanting to come over and they can see your car in the driveway. Or a sitting room. Its what it says on the tin! My house is not actually that much messier than some of my friends who dont mind saying shove over the laundry basket and nudge the books out of your way, welcome to my home. Britney: Were going out. She made it to the wedding, informed me the night before she was supposed to arrive at my house that she would be staying with someone else, and left the wedding early. The fact that you dont find it rude, and would love for people to do it, is valid. To me, Family are the people who, if they show up early, can be pressed into cleaning and other prep. Im definitely a Guesser in the Ask vs. Friends would sit outside my window at midnight and yell at me to go for pancakes with them. The big takeaway from this post is that a lot of preferences are situational and individual. I am one of those people who might indeed be home when a friend calls, but that doesnt mean Im not working on something/enjoying my precious downtime/up for entertaining a guest at any given moment. Answer door, but open it only a crack. Like your guy friends have said, girls are not stupid. I grew up in a small town where unexpected visits were totally normal. I can! Only me. If the floor isnt crunchy, the table isnt sticky, and all of the furniture in the house is usable as furniture, Im ready for company! And I dont feel badly for talking about fun things with people in my life. The Captains given some good general guidelines, but when it comes to the specific relationship between the LW and this friend, I think in some ways its simpler, because its an individual. Ive had a personal experience with a partner that lived a very compartmentalized life because lets just say. ME: Oh! I need you to help me fix it! If it happens again, rinse and repeat. But I fight against that urge, because, if they are going to be my friend, they might as well see my clutter up front and be okay with it. Moreover, I think its self-absorbed to assume that your social acquaintance/friend that wasnt invited to a thing particularly wants to hear all about how much fun you had without them doing whatever thing it was you were doing. But, it's still a bit strange, at least for me, to invite yourself and others to a home that isn't yours. When I asked him about the surprise invites, his reply was, I thought it was efficient to get all my social obligations taken care of at once. Absolutely. They would invite you if they wanted! If its an emergency situation or a hey I remembered that I borrowed this from you or that you wanted to borrow this so I thought Id drop it off and then get back on my way Im ok with it. Meet you at the theater at 1:40?. Thats the real issue. I guess I thought that since we already had plans to meet at his apartment, had sent an email, and could have come back later easily if when I arrived wasnt a good time for him, I didnt even think about it. BUT.is it because you assume that is the case when you happen to know someone was in the area and yet didnt drop round? Maybe grab coffee/Indian food? Well Im not going to call that one up to talk about our awesome plans, or afterwards to talk about how awesome it was*. I dont want to guess at anyones feelings, but I thought Id share some of the things about that situation that made it difficult for me to deal with. You can also see how they react to other people, and if they have a constant stream of drop ins when youre over, or are OK with saying no when asked or setting limits on drop ins without squirming with discomfort. If you read, for instance, advice columns or domestic humor from eras and neighborhoods that did casual visits, youll find lots of stories of people turning the lights off and laying down on the floor to avoid visitors. CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE MADE PLANS TO SEE A FUNNY MOVIE. You may also want to give her advance warning before dropping by the office; it sounds like shes more receptive to surprise visits there*, but since you say youve felt her pulling away lately, its probably a good idea to double-check with her before popping in unannounced. Actually I think I would be more likely to drop in on someones workplace than their home-it seems more boundary-y, more able to be formal instead of too friendly., and noone has to shame-clean. Admit it, neither one of you wants the date to end. I do that whole are we still on? thing probably anytime I have plans that were made more than a couple days in advance and dont involve tickets purchased in advance. What is it about gaming people that makes them like this? I would take a step back with this friend, try not making plans with her or stopping by her office for a while and see what happens. No one needs to know how I live.). Regardless your friend is letting you know shes not cool with it, which means you need to stop doing it to her specifically. Sometimes we had a great time, or got to catch up quickly when both of us had been busy. A lot of people were raised in families where avoidance of awkward situations is the only model they know, so they just dont have the communication tools to do anything else. c. Dirty Dishes. So maybe but I guess will never know. Those good old days are likely to have sucked for people with anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue. With that said, your description sounds like the sort of thing I would certainly expect a person to handle gracefully even if it wasnt okay with them, not to be furious about. Sometimes I hurt or feel bad, and it is supposedly my day off, so I take a nap, and I want to be left alone while I nap. She suffers from anxiety and depression so I understand why this is but finding a balance between pestering her and having any contact at all is proving hard. Oh god. Remember, you're dealing with a girl and girls are very sensitive. An alternative to let me stop by your house is Im going to be in the neighborhood do you want to meet up? This is a call I do not mind getting. It tells me that she *knows* the world isnt an open invitation for her to insert herself into other peoples social events. Ask if you can go bro. +1 to this. I personally would lean toward expecting people at least 5-10 minutes early or late and talk to them if they go beyond that and its a problem. Dear LW Oops, LW I just realised I misread that, and you are friends rather than workmates. Looking back on it I can see my mother had some pretty serious anxiety issues that we kids had no clue about at the time, but the whole thing has had a lasting effect on me. so definitely think you are spot on with your advice and response here, especially about letting her be the one to reach out next. Once, I answered the door, lights out, my girlfriend and I in pajamas and on drugs and, Im really high right now and was not expecting you, was not enough to deter about 45 minutes of awkwardly hanging around the living room answering curious questions mixed with small talk. And Im usually ok w/ that. Inviting a girl to your place is no other than getting her on a date, but because the date will be at your place it has more implications to her than going for a coffee. I would chalk that one up to bad ex and forget about it. Even if I want to do that thing, I resent the implication that friend doesnt care to consider whether I want to or not. one of the best things about the living room couch in my current house is that I can skulk in the corner and pretend I am not at home if I dont feel like answering the door, and I am literally impossible to see from outside the house. This is not the first time Ive had it rough with best friends or high-intensity, close-knit groups. If you enter an already-going conversation specifically about a wedding I dont think you can claim that the topic is there to taunt you about what youre missing out on. Often the person will say oh keep doing what youre doing, I wont be a bother but having somebody else in my house is not relaxing or conducive to me doing things I was in the middle of doing. This is the craziest way I see guys blow their opportunities. I suppose it amounts to the same thingI didnt get to do the prep I would have preferred tobut since the LW is worried about missing nuances, I thought it would be good to offer another POV/reason for not wanting a drop in, lest LW have a friend who keeps a spic-and-span house all the time and LW assume that means drop-ins for that person are okay. Instead of spending time wondering how to invite her back to your place during the date, strategize before the date by choosing a dinner spot that is close to home . The LW has correctly identified that there is a problem with this friend and is taking steps to fix it. Yeah, thats what bugs me: I understand Things Happen, but to just turn up hours late without an explanation and then expect that the host will want to stick around and talk? Also I need to be able to say not now and they leave without getting upset or making me repeat myself. Someone showing up at work means I suddenly have to juggle multiple of those states at the same time, and it is socially tiring. And at that point, you get to craft your own slow fade, being really really busy when their requests are made. Oh, agreed! There may be many people who wouldnt think either of those things are rude, but if this is an issue youre worried about then erring on the side of caution is probably better. But Im not ok w/ other people seeing that (especially when its messy instead of just cluttered). For example in my grandparents day/culture men never dropped by between 9-6 on weekdays because thats when other men were at work and men and women didnt socialize with each other except in groups. This was actually THE reason we didnt end up dating. You made a small mistake, and shes blowing it all out of proportion. Thats almost chilling. If you just want to come in and chat and you have not ASKED beforehand or something, not going to happen. Britney: No, WERE (gestures back and forth between me and her) going out. If it werent for the fact that shes very understanding about how introverted I am it would bug the hell out of me, and if we werent close friends if probably be mysteriously perma-busy after a few occasions of this (after trying Use Your Words, depending on how much I cared about the friendship.) My friends had it even worse with a guy who would show up at their house literally hours early. I have yet to learn to hide my confusion. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. For me I think the drop-by depends on how lengthy and intrusive of a visit its going to be. I suppose if someone REALLY didnt want to go away I could also let the dogs outside, but that seems more antisocial than is necessary. On the other hand, if you tend to be a little more of a "dead weight" friend, or are actively off-putting in some way, then everyone's less likely to appreciate you trying to horn in on their plans. Oh also, the good old days when people could just drop by anytime had rules too, they were just different rules. I had to train myself not to. On the flip side I think I need to be nicer to my 6 year old. *I am the ocean* I was reading that and thinking, wait, whys that shame-cleaning? . Sometimes I want the advice. It would be ridiculous to never mention my aunt to my cousin just in case she were upset that I ever did something with aunt that didnt include her. Ask means ASK. If he is into you he will definitely show up as he will want to protect you. Even as a kid it mortified me, people would laugh when I rang the bell or knocked on the door. There are really tough dynamics at play because FAMILY and also because its been going on for years. A friend of mine once gave me the run down of her husbands birthday party, to which she had invited everyone in our friend group except me. Next, ask what her particulars are about dropping by. Hey, these new gaslights I bought, arent they great? Dearest LW, please be sure to not only ensure a friend has availability, but also interest, combined with a way for them to graciously say no. Feel free to use. This is a serious problem in our tabletop games groups. If someone is discussing a plan in front of you, they know youre there! Also don't give a room a complete makeover without gaining permission to do so first. And I wouldnt get to bake! Especially all-day things. Just realized Im in your neck of the woods, mind if I swing by for a quick howdy on my way home?. It was so unpleasant (awful). Here are some of my favorite ways to invite myself. Seriously. So many different points of view in the comments! 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